Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
