I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
