i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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