just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
