so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I party with great urgency now.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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