My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
