i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
