just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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