So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
