It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize