Umm I'm too high to move.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize