it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
