i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
