I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
