I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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