Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
