apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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