If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
