shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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