I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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