a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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