Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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