is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
