i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
