brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
