people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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