my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
