I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
not ubering you a puppy
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
