It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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