You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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