Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
