I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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