When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
