I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
