She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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