get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
