guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
