I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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