Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
