I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
