I hate your face
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
