I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
