But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
