You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
