no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Pants are for mortals
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
