I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
