i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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