Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
