his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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