So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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