I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
