i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
