Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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