i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
