coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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