it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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