I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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