I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I love you. Go after that dick
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
