This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
