You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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